Why am I here?

 

I’m just thinking – typing the first things that come into my mind…  So this is going to be a bit of a ramble that hopefully makes sense in the end. 

I think I’m over-horsed.  I’m not quite sure how it happened, it’s not like I’ve never had experience with horses that are too much for me.  I have, and I’ve handed them back/onto someone else far better suited to their needs.

But with Sparrow, it kind of snuck up on me.  The first few rides on him were perfect – cantered him without a care, he felt just fine and I loved it.  That’s why I wanted him. 

But then he bucked me off during that one lesson.  I was told I scared him, but I don’t really know why it happened, and I didn’t see it coming.  He tossed me as easily as a pancake and ran.  I got back on, and we continued like nothing happened.  But something had.  I guess that’s when the first seed of doubt was planted.

Then I moved him to his new paddocks, but I waited a week to ride him until I was having a lesson with my instructor.  I told myself it was because that way she could help with any initial teething problems, but now I wonder if it wasn’t just because I was too scared to ride him without her?

Ever since then riding Sparrow is a battle for me.  Thinking about riding him makes my stomach twist into little knots.  I’m usually ok once I am on him and riding – but I think my reactions to his behaviour are more extreme in that I am more subconsciously worried when riding him, and I have noticed I will have a ‘bigger’ reaction if he does something.  If he freezes for instance, I don’t just push him on, I pause for a split-second, thinking that he might rear if I ask him to move off with anything stronger than the softest leg and seat aid I can give – more of a gentle suggestion then a command.  It’s no wonder he ignores that so often and just stays there. 

I don’t mind handling him on the ground.  I just poke him over when he gets in my space and if he gets agitated, I just send him in little circles around me until he calms down.  No, the main problem here is riding him and the main problem here is me.  My nerve.  It’s gone.  I’ve lost it with him. 

So why am I persisting?  Because I really feel that if I can work through this, I will be a better rider - no, actually a better horseman overall.  This horse is teaching me so much more than any horse I’ve had before.  He’s teaching me to be more clear, more precise and more accurate as a rider.  I can’t muddle my legs aids, he just won’t do what I ask if I do.  I’m ok with that – I WANT to get better, I want that so very badly.

He’s also teaching me to read his signals and body language in a way no other horse has.  Most of my horses have rarely had repeat issues over one particular thing.  Sparrow is far more sensitive and fearful then any other horse I’ve had.  I know that it’s partially his temperament, and I’m not going to change that, and it’s partially due to his age and lack of training and experience – that I can change, for the better or for the worse.  To me it feels like he will simply go one of two ways – either learn to calm down and trust me even when he’s afraid, or just learn to blow up and freak out.

I don’t know if I have enough confidence in my abilities to be the leader he needs so that he learns to calm down and trust me.  I think we have made some progress, like I mentioned in my last post, but I’m not sure.  I don’t have that confidence that I feel I need to see this through without one or the other or both of us getting hurt.  It might be because I can’t afford lessons with my instructor more then once a fortnight – which is hard.  More than ever I need a knowledgeable eye on the ground to assesses how we are going and what Sparrow is saying to me when I can’t read him myself.

*sigh*   And reading that last paragraph over, one thing stands out to me.  I just don’t have the confidence.  I think that I am a fairly good rider, although I have tons more to learn, I know I am handling him fine on the ground, but something isn’t clicking under saddle and I guess it’s that green, young horse unpredictability that I am feeling in him that is spooking me.  I’m not used to it, but it’s part and parcel of where Sparrow is at at the moment – and probably will be until he get a few years and a lot of mileage under his belt.

I read on Equestrian Ink the other day{The Young Horse} that a young horse, no matter gentle or well trained they are, will have significantly difficult, maybe dangerous, moments. 

…Inevitably it happens….eventually there is a day when the young horse acts up. Horse spooks or bucks or bolts—person is dumped and hurt, or just scared, and things are never quite the same again. Person has lost confidence in horse and perhaps horse has lost confidence in person. Sometimes confidence is regained, sometimes not. But overall, it’s a predictable story that could easily be avoided…

That’s my story to a T.  I got bucked off, but I didn’t get hurt, at least, not physically.  The damage is my confidence in Sparrow.  I just don’t trust him like I used to.  The question is – can we work through that – can I work through that – should I work through that?  Will he benefit from my persistence{or stubborn refusal to give up if you like}, or will it just end up badly for the both of us? 

…If you want a no-drama horse, choose one that is eight or older. If you choose a younger horse, be sure that you are Ok with some “dramatic” moments. Because you are very likely to have them...  

Am I ok with drama?  Yes, I don’t mind it.  Am I ok with unpredictable drama?  No, not really.  Am I going to be ok if I keep riding Sparrow?

….I don’t know.

Is that alright?   

bonita